Living with my parents is cool.

The Faster Times

2011-05-15T22:28:00.002-04:00

Hi one billion + readers,

I am now blogging for Business Flannel on The Faster Times. This was direct result of the following blog names being unavailable:

NowI'mPoor.blogspot.com

PayingRentIsn'tCool.blogspot.com

IfItsNotCerealIWontEatIt.blogspot.com

DoormenAtNewBuildingsAreStillJudgemental.blogspot.com

NeighborsAlsoGiveYouWeirdLooksAt4AMWhenYouHaveFriendsSleepOverWhyAreTheyDoingThat?.blogspot.com

Living with your parents is cool

2011-04-04T08:00:00.000-04:00

The name of my blog has been up for debate should the time ever arise that I move out of my parents house, but you know what: Whether or not I actually live at home has nothing to do with the inherent "coolness" of living with your parents. Living with your parents is cool.

Okay, clearly setting you up here. Like when people tell you something really great and it's because they're about to manipulate the fuck out of you--you have to be on your toes. ANYWAY: I've moved out. I am not living with my parents anymore. Last night was my first night away from ma and pa, so I feel like I am being pretty honest with you here. Here are things I'm concerned about:

1. Food: Where will it come from?

2. My room: how will I ever remember to clean it without being told?

3. My current location 24/7: How will anyone know my whereabouts since my mother won't be able to give them an update?

4. Missing items: how will I find them if no one asks me where I last put them.

5. My computer and all other potentially electronic items: will they charge themselves?

I was living my building the other day and I was pretty excited to be "getting my own place" so I told my doorman. I was like, "Guess what! I'm moving out," and he said, "Are your parents coming with you?"

Please scan your item

2011-03-28T07:11:00.000-04:00

When I was leaving Oxford, I wanted to make sure I stayed overweight for years to come so I went to the supermarket and bought an excess of English candy. Luckily, the cashiers wit was in top form--she clearly never missed a beat--and she said, "Is that all for you?"

It's situations like this that make the "Self Checkout" seems like a great idea. Want a witness-free experience when you buy 17 chocolate bars? You should probably go to the self-checkout. OH WAIT no you should because now these machines publicly announce your purchases and give you very explicit instructions: Please scan your item. Thanks so much, for the guidance, I was going to try and barter with the machine but now I know better. I don't understand. Are these announcements for the retarded? And don't tell me they're for the blind, because Ray Charles sure as fuck wouldn't be able to find the right place to scan his item.

Maybe not everyone is as self conscious as me, but I want to die. Luckily all I'm buying is an incentive to binge eat, but what if it was like: "CONDOMNS," "COSMO," "BANANAS," "SCOTCH TAPE" "ADULT DIAPERS"

Dear Enrique Iglesias,

2011-03-18T07:36:00.001-04:00

Look, when I was in middle school and there were slow dances, I thought you were pretty cool. However, it's come to my attention that you are getting increasingly creepy. I just want to line up these three lyrics/song titles chronologically.

Don't turn off the lights:
You can run, you can hid but you can't escape my love.
Tonight, I'm fucking you.

Let me start by saying I appreciate that you were finally like screw it, you know want? I want to fuck you and I'm doing it tonight. No more hoopla with all this running and lights bullshit. I just want to fuck. Hey, thanks for my input. "Oooh Enrique, what are you doing tonight?" "Tonight I'm fucking you." "Cool, I'll meet you in the room in 5 minutes." I can only imagine that then you would be like, "You can run you can hide but you can't escape my love." And, assuming my light jog means that I can't escape you, I sure as fuck am not going to turn off the lights.

It's been too long

2011-02-26T11:35:00.000-05:00

If the last time you hung out with someone was a really long time ago, chances are you're going to get something like this "I haven't seen you in ages."

Let's break this down because it actually sounds kind of creepy. Actually let's throw in this gem of a comment too (just before we get going): "Where have you been hiding?"

Where have I been hiding? Super secret places. I tried to watch you from afar first but then I got much better at hiding--I can't reveal the spots, as I'm sure you understand--but they allow me a full view of you, and the things you are doing. Like that time you went to the supermarket and couldn't find the asparagus in the veggie aisle--I was actually right there, hiding, "evading" your glances, looking at you but never revealing my position.

2 am tomorrow morning:

2011-02-26T11:30:00.001-05:00

This is about one step away from a calzone: Here wrap up this whole fucking pizza and eat it at once.

I'm back

2011-02-14T07:00:00.000-05:00

I'm sorry I've been MIA for a bit. As an olive branch I've put up four new posts (hurray!). They are all transportation themed: 1. Airplane, 2. The Subway, 3. The Taxi.

Happy Valentines Day!

(OMG I fuckin hate valentines day, all those fucking couples are the WORST. GIRLS NIGHT! YA! Fuck love, let's drink wine and talk about ourselves!)

1. The Airplane

2011-02-14T06:57:00.000-05:00

I've titled this "Airplane" so that I can keep with the transportation theme but it boils down to this: people who are so super silly when they shouldn't be.

This happened to me recently when I was on a flight at midnight. We're about to take off, the stewardess is giving her really informative information so when we all come to a water glide landing like the Hudson Miracle we'll be prepared. Does any of this sound real: We'll land on the water, then you can put on these nifty life jackets, and these big inflatable slides will pop out of the plane and you'll slide down. So she's talking and the person next to me is reading, and she goes, "Hey youuu don't read! I know you're not listening!!! HAHAHAHA!

Do not joke ma'am. This is not a time for laughs or jokes. We are tired and your sophisticated sense of humor is being lost. It's like when you buy a lot of chocolate at the grocery store, and they're like, "Is this all for you? HAHA" Um yes, it is. Do you have a problem with that? I'd rather you didn't laugh because I'm already going home to binge and eat my feelings and now, that you've made it worse, I'd love if you threw in that snickers bar on the house.

2. The Subway

2011-02-14T06:48:00.000-05:00

You might think I couldn't possibly have any more to say about the subway. You would be wrong.

I was on the subway with my friend yesterday. Here's the friend sitch: He thinks music in the subway is awesome, I think it is the most annoying thing in the whole world. We've talked about it.

I hate when people play music on the subway--and they'll play super fucking loud--and then I have to avert my eyes or pretend that my headphones are fucking magic and there's no way I can hear whats going on because I'm already listening to some pretty cool jams. This is what happens yesterday:

Two Jamaican drum players come on the subway, one sets up two bongo drums and the other one has his guitar. And this is real life: They start calling out people on the subway who don't say hello:
"You reading the magazine, how are you? You not going to say anything? You're really not, you're rude." "Hey who can send us some positive energy?" This is was my worst nightmare realized.

Obviously the last thing I was going to send them was some positive energy, but you know who was? My friend, he sent them positive energy FedEx. So then when they start playing AND THIS IS FUCKING REAL they throw him a samba shaker so he can keep the beat in shakes.

3. Taxi

2011-02-14T06:38:00.002-05:00

Here's a real story:

I was getting out of a cab last night, I had just passed over the cash money, and the taxi driver goes, "Close the door when you get out." Let me repeat this: I was leaving the cab, I had arrived at my destination, and he tells me to close the door.
WHAT ELSE COULD I POSSIBLY DO?

Excuse me sir, I know we've just arrived by I was hoping to leave my door open after I exited; in fact, could you give me a second? I think I could probably make it around the other side of the cab and open that door too. If you could get the doors upfront, I think together we could get a really nice cross breeze.

Nicki Minaj

2011-02-06T10:41:00.000-05:00

I'll be writing an actual "post" soon, but here's some music to tide you over.

SORRY

2011-01-30T22:55:00.000-05:00

I will be back this weekend. I've been in Texas. I can only imagine how devastating its been to have no new posts.

Try listening to this song once

2011-01-21T09:35:00.002-05:00

Gross

2011-01-18T21:40:00.000-05:00

In case you were sitting by yourself tonight thinking, "How, if I really wanted to, could I make an entire room of strangers shun me?" Then you started thinking and thought "shun isn't good enough, I want them to be really thoroughly disgusted" DON'T WORRY!!! I'm here to answer your question.

I have a cold right now and everyone fucking hates me, like they are disgusted. You know what? I'm disgusted too. So you start off sniffing, which provokes the neighborly side glance that says, "Hey, gross." Then, of course, you sniff again because, like, the last thing you want is a fog horn/fart sounding nose-blow erupting into the entire space screaming "LOOK HERE I AM BLOWING MY NOSE" Except all the second sniff does is prelude this extreme embarrassment that can't be helped.

Your really attractive pattern just continuously perpetuates itself, until you have a graveyard of tissues collected next to you that looks like trash pile in India. The extra special thing is that even if everyone in the room can't see you, they can hear you. This means that when they pass you later on, and notice your pink mustache that says, "yeah, it's me," they can think, "you."

Collector's Edition

2011-01-17T13:58:00.001-05:00

I was up in the Adirondacks this weekend and noticed a collector's edition of Jenga sitting by the game area. This made me start thinking about "Colletcor's Editions" what is the the deal? Like, here is some random crap but you know what? Now we're going to put this crap in a very special package so you can collect it. Hey, thanks. I wanted to play Jenga, but I wanted to play Jenga with John Deere stamped all over it. Why? Because I'm a Jenga collector and I don't fuck around with packaging.

Collecting is sort of weird to begin with. When I still played with barbies in like 9th grade, I'd always say, "I just collect the special edition barbies." What? NO. I played with Barbies, all of the Barbies. I would buy the ones in the special boxes to keep up the facade, and then I would take them out of their box and create lots of scenarios and change their clothes.

It's Friday, thank god

2011-01-14T06:59:00.001-05:00

PIAMBF presents:

Dear Chris Brown,

2011-01-10T07:37:00.000-05:00

Hi Chris,

I'm not going to touch on the whole Rihanna situation, but I'm having some other problems. First, it seems like you aren't using a good basis for finding women. I found evidence of this in the opening of your song, "You like to drink? So do we." While that's really great, I just don't think you're really going to narrow it down with that. Can you imagine someone at a bar? "Hey, are you drinking?" "I fucking LOVE drinking. We are so similar." Not to mention that, after you make this "move," you say, "get your bottles, bring them to me." So, let me break this down just to makes sure I've got it right: "You like to drink? You know what, I like to drink too; so if you could just bring all of your drinks to me, instead, I'd really appreciate that."

I just feel like your semi "demanding" personality is creeping out a bit. Like later on, when you're talking about my friends and you say, "If they don't wanna part, tell them shut the fuck up!" I mean, woah, WOAH,...that seems a BIT intense. Also, don't tell me how to talk to my friends.

Ok and last, just in terms of your music video: Where the fuck are you? It looks like Disney's Epcot took over Harlem and who are these children? Why are they following you? Do they like to drink?

Here's to your Saturday

2011-01-08T09:29:00.000-05:00

I can only imagine I ruined your whole Friday night since I didn't put any music up. SO here are two songs:

And here's a remix with two of my favorites (honestly, I DIE. Who could have thought things could get better):

I'm up

2011-01-06T07:20:00.000-05:00

I don't know if you can see what time it is when I post this, but right now it's 6:54. I've been up since like 5:30, worked out, made some coffee. Now I'm NOT trying to be like, "fuck yeah, look at my morning. I am accomplished." I'm talking about being a morning person. I am obnoxiously a morning person. If you have a sleep over with me, I will roll over at 6 and be like, "Hi," and if you don't say, "I love you and you are the most beautiful person in the whole world" immediately, I'll wake you up. It'll be with something really self evident too; like, "Hey, I'm up."

The worst case scenario is if a bartender has been too compassionate and generous the night before. I'll wake up at 7 and be like, "I'm ready to greet the day!" Sometimes I'll put on the gym clothes, walk around a bit, and then realize that running right now wouldn't be safe. Another problem is that sometimes I'll go out and I'll buy completely useless stuff. When I was in college there was a store next the coffee shop which was, to steal a fucking awesome quote from DeLillo, "so steeped in kitsch you could die from buying a postcard." There were like witty folders, funny magnets: where the fuck are you going to put these; crazy cocktail napkins: for all the cocktail parties you have; candy: stop eating, etc...Anyway, so I would go into this store and be like, "I NEED this." Then I would go home, pass out, and wake up again fucking prepared to organize things with a sense of humor and hold things on my fridge with a giggle.

Thanks, self

2011-01-02T14:43:00.000-05:00

Every New Year people come up with resolutions but you know what? This year I've decided to look back on times I think I was already particularly awesome. Here are my favorite posts of 2010:

What I do all day from the perspective of my resume

Does he realize how ridiculously similar we are?

20 Somethings Really Fucking Lazy

Can I have some?

Whenever I pass him I use my "hey" move

I think thats probably enough self-congratulations. Thanks, self.

Two Songs

2011-01-02T14:35:00.000-05:00

Sorry I didn't give you any new years eve songs. I'm sure, without a doubt, you turned to me and then I let you down. Here are two:

Some great pop:

And some nice alt stuff (this band is SO good):

Breaking News: Big Pile of Snow Super Fucking Big

2010-12-29T10:10:00.004-05:00

NYC--People have been paralyzed by the recent blizzard in NYC; they can't go to work, they can't buy shit at hard to reach locations like TriBeca--they can barely leave their apartments.

Dominating the streets are intolerably larger than average piles of snow, some have even mentioned piles of snow which are "super fucking big." The following have been sited: steps with snow, streets with snow, cars covered in snow, trees in the snow, tops of trees covered by snow, awnings with snow, doorways with large snow piles outside, windowsills with snow, benches in snow....the list could go on, and no one is pleased.

"I went outside my apartment," said Donna Wright, "and there was just snow. And it was everywhere." Initially unprepared for the shocking conclusion to the previous night's blizzard, Ms. Wright found comfort on the local news: "I turned on my TV and the weather man was like, "Here is the snow. You can also find it here." I was particularly relieved when he showed me different piles of snow, which he pointed out by saying, 'Look, snow,' and I thought, 'You're right.'"

Further reports indicate that these piles of snow are "fucking everywhere."

Dear Bruno Mars,

2010-12-28T08:48:00.001-05:00

Dear Bruno,

I think we all need to relax here. Maybe take a breath and reassess the situation because, to be honest, I think you're getting a little carried away.

In the beginning of the song when you say, "Your eyes were open. Why were they open?" Maybe people like kissing with their eyes open, why do you get to decide? Stop being so critical.

To continue, I see the following situations as problematic and also fucking weird:

1. I'd catch a grenade for ya
2. Throw my hand on a blade for ya
3. Jump in front of a train for ya
4. I would die for you but you won't do the same.

This girl probably just wanted to go out to dinner and you were like, "I will fucking cut myself for you," she accurately read the situation, and left. Do actually envision someone propositioning, "Look, I'd love to be with you but first I want you to catch this explosive, cut yourself up--pretty badly--and then jump in front of a train, preferably the downtown 6."

Ok, so we have that problem and then this: "I would die for you but you won't do the same." Um, hi, Bruno, this is NOT a cult. I feel like your new message is "You're perfect just the way you are but unless your ready to die, this is not for me," and I'm not really feeling great about that.

There has got to be a way

2010-12-22T16:15:00.000-05:00

Jonathon Franzen and I are likely soul mates. Once, when I was at The Paris Review, he called and said, "Hello, this is Jonathon Franzen" and I said, "Hi, one moment please." It was awesome. Anyway, in his recent interview with The Paris Review he describes discovering Don DeLillo (who is the best), "I'd finally found somebody who was putting on the page the apocalyptic, postindustrial urban aesthetic that I'd been looking for in film and photographs and had found expressed in music, particularly by the Talking Heads."

This has been my favorite song of ALL time, since middle school:

Love, The Clarks

2010-12-21T11:12:00.001-05:00

I'm guessing your first reaction was, "Wow, how fucking pensive are these kids?" I guess that's what we were going for. This is a picture from an old family Christmas card we sent out. I think it says, "Hi, Merry Christmas, I'm looking into you SOUL." I've always been deep--especially when in black and white. Last year, we sent out a sarcastic card that said "Oh, Happy New Year." I'm not sure it translated well. The 30 rock Christmas special perfectly captured the card aspect with this conversation: Jack: What Christmas card did we send? Avery: "Happy Holidays" is what terrorists say. Merry Christmas, Avery and Jack.

Whenever people send out cards they always have "sincerely" printed before their names and then the cross it out and write "love." Why don't you just start out with "Love, The Clarks." I'm never convinced by the re-write and I will not be manipulated especially on Christmas.

The great thing about cards is that they give you an opportunity for unequivocal judgment. Obviously the situation truly presents itself when people include self-congratulatory epics. Sometimes, if you are super observant, you can pick apart the whole card, which is really just a mosaic of euphemisms. Other times, they are not fucking around: "Oh yes, Charles just graduated from this really prestigious school your kid didn't get into. We are still super fucking rich. Like really, really rich. Little Sue just graduated from medical school. She hasn't cured AIDS yet (HAHAHA) but she has been working with orphans in Africa. Follow her journey at helping-poor-kids-is-what-i-love-doing-what-are-you-doing?.blogspot.com"

Happy Holidays

2010-12-20T11:39:00.003-05:00

I'm sorry I didn't post on Saturday. I'm a liar, what do you want from me? ITS A BLOG, SORRY. I've started going to "work" during the day. It's been a revolutionary experience but I haven't quite figured out the blogging aspect yet. Anyway.

It's that time of the year: I think you know what I'm talking about. It's the holiday season and don't you dare say "Christmas," because you don't know what jews are going to say, "Um excuse me. I don't celebrate Christmas. Don't you force your Christian ideologies on me with this "Merry" "Happy" bullshit." You have to be super careful, even when you're part jewish which I am.

A good example of this is Secret Santas. We used to have secret santa when I was in middle school and then my super white preppy school decided that believing in Santa wasn't quite delusional enough so we switched over to believing in our non-existant diversity scheme with "Kwaharamas Mammas". Yup: Kwanaza-Hannukah-Ramadan-Christmas. We even sang, "We wish you a happy Christmas" switching in Kwanza, Ramadan, and Hannukah. Maybe I'm incredibly ignorant, but don't people fast on Ramadan. Hey! Have fun being starving! Yah! Happy Hunger! You'll love it! It's great! Jesus did it too, but he was in the desert and THE DEVIL was there. It was a worst case scenario, hopefully that doesn't happen to you. We'll just celebrate his birthday, and that semi-shared element, with this song here.

I will be back on Saturday

2010-12-16T22:23:00.001-05:00

I promise.

Holy Ghost!

2010-12-11T08:11:00.001-05:00

I can't take credit for this song--not that I ever "discover" bands. It comes from elsewhere. Anyway! Here you go, it's great.

Good luck!

2010-12-08T08:32:00.001-05:00

My friend is studying for the GREs right now, and it reminded me of my highly successful GRE experience. The problem with taking any test that has vocab is that you have to make flashcards. Because, once you've made one million flashcards, it's kind of like, "Okay, I'm done." Sometimes this happens with printing stuff out too. I was creating part of a website and someone sent me a bunch of material, so I printed that shit out--I even did 2 per page--and then I looked at it for a bit.

Nothing makes me feel more successful or organized than buying stuff. Like before middle school started, I would go to Staples and go wild. "Did you get a three ring binder?" "Fuck yeah, I got those sweet folders too. I can only imagine that I'm incredibly prepared to learn."

Academically speaking, there is one thing that tops supplies in terms of reflecting absolutely nothing. Have you ever been in the library studying, or writing a paper, and someone else finishes before you and they go, "Good luck." "Good luck with your paper!" What does this even mean? You know what. I don't need luck. I don't need luck because I'm so very smart and do you see this folder system I have going, as well as this multi-color highlighter pack and post-its? I'm thinking my chances for an A are pretty good.

Go, go, go, go

2010-12-06T09:54:00.001-05:00

Sometimes when I'm driving in the car with my Dad and we're stuck in traffic, he'll say, "Go, go,go, go" kind of sort of quietly. Like, you know what these cars need? They need encouragement. I do this too--talking to non-responsive entities--but I usually ask questions. Maybe it's my fact-checking background, who knows, but a car will cut me off or the light will change, and I'll say, "Are you kidding me?" as if God is going to pop down and say, " HaHaHa! YES! I've just been fucking with you YOUR WHOLE LIFE."

People love provoking inanimate objects. Like if you're waiting for the subway and it refuses to come, people start looking down the tracks, as if the train is a fucking dragon and only responds to temptation. So this will happen, and then everyone immediately starts to justify their actions, "Where is the train?" "It should really be here by now." When what they really mean is, "Did you see me just now? I was acting with a purpose. When I looked down the tracks, that was motivated. It was motivated by both a curiosity and an annoyance. That's why I did it. "

I just wanna dance

2010-12-03T08:10:00.000-05:00

You know when you hear a song for the first time and you go insane, and you listen to it on repeat, and you play it for everyone, and you ALMOST kill it, but like you can't kill it because it's just so good. That's how I feel about Rihanna's new song. ( FYI The sound quality isn't that amazing anywhere on youtube, sorry about that). IT'S THE WEEKEND!

Sorry to bother you again

2010-12-01T12:22:00.002-05:00

An old New Yorker cartoon titled "Low Self-Esteem," by Mike Twombly, shows a man writing in a notebook, "Dear Diary, sorry to bother you again." I remember thinking this was one of the funniest comics I had ever seen. Sure, I might feel bad about myself sometimes but I could still write in my diary about how my greatness was suffering at the hands of others and, on the plus side, no one could condemn my solipsism. Then I started blogging.

When blogs first started I was steadfastly opposed: Why does anyone want to read about your personal life? Twombly's comic now becomes, "Dear Readers, sorry to bother you again." And now, of course, I have to ask you to: Please read while I continue to write about myself, don't stop, and then write about myself writing about myself. One comic said blogging was like video tapping yourself masturbating in front of a mirror and then masturbating to the tape. He was probably right, or he just loves masturbating. We'll never know.

In this week's Time, Joel Stein discusses "How my self-obsessed writing changed journalism." He argues that while initially his first person narrative style was rejected, now, "all bloggers write in first person, spending hours each day chronicling their anger at their kids for taking away their free time. Every Facebook update and tweet is sophomoric, solipsistic, snarky and other words I've learned by Googling myself." WE DO NOT. We do.

Every time I blog, I write about myself, I mention how fucking annoying everyone else is, I use curse words, I inundate the internet with sarcasm. I've been told that I write exactly as I speak. This is true--except that I write how I speak to my friends; not my grandparents, not all of the people that can't stop hiring me for a well paid job. You jump right to casual conversation. I'll speak with someone I don't know very well and I'll mention my mother, or my dogs, or something else incredibly interesting, and they'll go, "Oh, I feel like I know exactly who you're talking about." Or I'll tell a story and realize I've already blogged about, and I start to worry whether or not I have anything to contribute outside of "Living with my parents is cool."

I think blogging is both self-indulgent and self-effacing. Yes, you're writing "Me, me, me" but, at the same time, you aren't necessarily watching yourself do it. I started writing my blog the morning after my mother and I got in a fight. I was upset about not getting a job (again) and frustrated that I was living at home as all my other friends moved out and had real "grown up lives." As I sat there feeling sorry for myself, she said, "Why don't you just write about it." So my blog started out of a desperation and out of a desire for structure and commitment. When you write a blog, and when you convince yourself people just might be reading, you are creating unacknowledged accountability.

In some ways, you give all of yourself out to people you may not know. You break down every wall and "get intimate" pretty quickly. I might not blog about my riveting and multifarious love life (probably bc I don't have one...), but I do share a lot about my family, my devastating job search, and other things I might not use to pick up guys. I like knowing that I need to blog on Mondays or find a music video on Fridays. I feel dedicated to something, since I can't be dedicated to getting to work early. Another blog once denigrated my blog (BLOG WARS: the wars with the least consequence in the world), saying I was just trying to get a TV show or a book deal, and that this was a sorry attempt to function in the real world. Actually, for me (me!me!me!), I blog because I love writing and, since there hasn't been an occupational opportunity, this is what I do.

I think blogging provides structure for writers who might otherwise stop. A lot of times, it's a self-indulgent, self-promotional activity. I'll be the first to admit that I try to be funny in my posts, they're not an attempt at in depth political or social analysis. They're just me. Blogging makes you vulnerable, critical, and moronic all at once.

Anyway, I just wanted to provide my take (or defense?) of blogs. If you've made it all the way down to this last line I'm impressed. I probably would have stopped reading once I realized this was going to be pretty long. So, dear readers, I am SO UNBELIEVABLY SORRY to bother you again. Get ready to groove on Friday.

DECEIT

2010-11-29T10:16:00.003-05:00

I was in a bar the other night with my friend and her boyfriend (tricycling is my new favorite activity) and we saw some people outside trying to get in. I could only guess that they were exactly 21 and from Delaware. I knew this because not only am I intuitive but I used to do the same thing. When I was in seventh or eighth grade (thank you, NYC childhood) we would try to get into places with our awesome IDs. It usually didn't work. We could have taken an index card and written "I so totally promise I'm 21," and it would have been better.

Whenever we went on these ventures we would tell our parents we were going to the movies. I don't know if we suggested we were catching a double header, but the movies times were completely incongruous with the time we spent out, making it the worst case scenario for lying. Not to mention the fact that we always got caught. I would come home, tell the worst lie ever, and my mom would be like, "No," then I would cave and she would say, "I hate DECEIT," which moves her vocal disappointment from a scene in the OC to Harry Potter and the Prisoners of Azkaban.

It turns out that I'm best at lying when I've been overserved. After some reckless bartender has really forced the issue, my levels of passion are exponentiated. I don't mean that I feel more physically compelled, I mean I use the word "love" like A LOT more. Why? How weird is that? I'll have no problem being like, "I'm in love with you." I need a shirt that says, "Don't get in my path or I'll open my heart."

It's a family affair

2010-11-26T14:41:00.001-05:00

I hope everyone had an excellent Thanksgiving. You know how some people will get a piece of pie or a ton of turkey and they go "OMG I will like never be able to finish it" and, let'' be honest, the piece isn't that big and--here's the real shocker--they actually don't finish it. Maybe they're displaying "self-control" or don't feel the same sense of dedication to their plate I do, but either way they don't finish it. It's beyond me.

I had two Thanksgivings this year and full meals at lunch and dinner. I felt particularly bad for my sister who is in Scotland and got the phone pass out of control. Anyway, it was truly a "family affair," and if you don't like Sly and the Family Stone I hope you change your mind (bc they are SO good).

PIAMBF: Symphonies

2010-11-19T09:03:00.000-05:00

I am abiding by the code

2010-11-18T13:18:00.001-05:00

Pick a public space, probably any public space, but one where people are generally quiet. Like I once worked in an office where all the desks were in one big loft. This meant that, for the most part, people talked quietly--especially when I say "worked" and I mean "interned" so I was not going to break the silence.

Have you ever been in one of these places and then someone else breaks the literally unspoken rule to shut the fuck up and not talk across the space? Like when I was working in the quiet room someone spoke to me in a normal and loud voice, and I kind of whispered back, thinking "Umm hello, why are you talking in that normal voice?!" and then she responded (outloud) "WHY are you whispering?" Because I am abiding by the code, which you refuse to respect.

This usually happens in a subway car. You'll be sitting diagonally from someone you got on the train with since there weren't enough seats, and then they'll talk across the space and laugh or joke or do something else dumb. You don't want to respond because since you're so considerate but you have to.

This happened to be recently on the subway, when I ran into someone I made out with in like seventh grade but haven't seen since. It was go-to-work time in the morning--something I can't generally relate to--and he said, "Hi, are you on your way to work?" and I was like, "No, I'm just watching everyone else go."

PS: Last post I decided to see what it was like not cursing. I feel like it was an ineffectual and disappointing experiment.

Their right side is in mint condition

2010-11-16T09:25:00.001-05:00

I was talking with someone this weekend and he said "that's a double-edged sword." I can't remember what I said that prompted that response, but I'm relatively good at putting myself in those situations. Anyway it brought up a much more important thought: Aren't most swords double-edged?

I don't see attacking your opponent from the left side only to be an effective method. I've never watched a crazy Law & Order where the person is like, "They were killed by a single-edged sword, typical. You can tell because while their left side looks terrible, their right side is in mint condition."

Like if you were going into a battle and someone said, "Here, take a sword. Do you want this one with two sharp sides or this other sword that can only cut one way?" Who would say, "You know what, I don't want to deceive my enemy. I want them to know that when swing from this side I will cut them up, but when it's the other direction it will just be more of a tap, or thwack."

Young Love

2010-11-12T10:47:00.000-05:00

Of course the song isn't nearly as honest as Cat Stevens but it's excellent nevertheless.

You know what, I'll take the melody

2010-11-10T09:48:00.001-05:00

Do you remember the prom scene in She's All That? Everyone is hanging around dancing and then all of the sudden this one song comes on and BAM they are doing this boys vs. girls choreographed dance? It comes out of nowhere; it's totally unexpected. Everyone was like, "OMG how weird was that?" That's how I feel about musicals all the time.

I have a serious problem with suspension of reality commitments. Like in musicals, everyone is walking around and then all of the sudden in the fucking town square or school gym everyone is singing. Or--even worse--two people will be talking and someone will break into song. Why is everyone okay with this? If I were trapped in a musical I would be like, "Hold on, what THE FUCK is going on?" How come this never happens? Everyone is way too complacent; they just go along with it like, "okay, you know what, if you're going to sing, I'm going to sing too. You know what, I'll take the melody."

I've watched Glee a couple times but I can't get past the singing part. Obviously this causes some issues. Once I was on the subway and someone just started singing a hymn. I don't mean a homeless person (or that blind man that miraculously navigates the entire train system as if he just saw Jesus and is set to go) I mean a completely random person. It was a worst case scenario. I just wanted to be like, "Excuse me sir, can you stop. Amen"

I just want to be honest here

2010-11-08T09:42:00.000-05:00

I was driving into NYC with my friend the other day and we got pulled over by a cop. Here's what I don't understand: When you get pulled over, the first thing they ask is "Do you know why we pulled you over" Do I know? Do you know? Who's job is this here? Umm I'm sorry isn't this your job? If I call people for work I do not go "Hello, do you know why I'm calling? It may seem like I'm taking the initiative but I'm going to go ahead and put the ball in your court." What are you supposed to say? "Yes, officer I was speeding. I saw speed limit and said " Absolutely not. You cannot control me." Also, since you asked I have some weed in the car, was that it? I just want to be honest here and give you all the facts.

So they ask you why you were pulled over and then they proceed to ask you how fast you were going too as if their only job is literally to drive around. Oh you're a traffic cop what do you do? You know, I get this sweet outfit and then I pull just pull people over and see what they think. It's more of a thought process but I've gotten good at asking really pointed questions.

Once, when I was driving with a friend, we were going through a residential area at, I don't know, 7mph and this cop literally waves us down with his hands. We think maybe he's just say hey, whats up FALSE. We got a speeding ticket. I'm just going to go ahead here and make a leap here: If you can slow down the car with your hands, they are not speeding.

Dancing with the DJ

2010-11-01T11:25:00.000-04:00

I am OBSESSED with this band. I've posted about them before. I just think they're fucking awesome.

This is because I missed PIAMBF.

You are fooling no one

2010-11-01T09:16:00.000-04:00

I hope everyone had a good Halloween. I'm sorry I haven't posted all week. The truth is that I was spending so much time planning and creating my costume that it was nearly impossible to be creative in any other venue. I forgot that parents like dressing up on Halloween too. Why are they doing this? Your costume tricks no one. I know, from my past experiences, that you are not the "grim reaper" nor are you a "ballerina." Even though your child was a ghost, and this might be confusing, I was able to step back and say, "No, I don't believe you. You're just wearing costume."

Also, people seem to have no problem being different ethnicities for Halloween. Like, people will be Chinese for Halloween. They just put on the most racist or stereotypical outfit they can find and "like, a lot of eyeliner." Or, and I've seen this a bunch at my white parties with all my white friends, people are "ghetto" for halloween. They put on hoop earrings and BAM they're gangster/ ghetto. Like they are literally black for halloween.

On the cover of Time recently (or maybe Newsweek? ) There was white woman surrounded by Indian children and she was wearing sari. Why? Just because you've been to India, and undoubtedly read Eat, Pray, Love--or at least seen the movie and been like totally inspired--does not mean you are from India. You are fooling no one.

I'm nurturing my mind and thinking long term

2010-10-25T11:07:00.002-04:00

Whenever I don't have anything to do I usually go to Barnes and Noble. I'll think oh know where's the day going? Then I'll hit up B&N, as I call it, and feel like I got some serious shit done. Buying book feels exponentially more productive because it says, "I am nurturing my mind and thinking long term," and when you carry it around (cover out--either in your hand or in the pocket of your leather messenger back and/or cardigan) people will fucking notice.

Let me point out that if the cover references the book's movie remake, this does not count. Like if Kiera Knightley's underbite is dominating you shouldn't buy it. Or, and be careful because they are getting way too tricky about this, if the book is published as a "Barnes and Noble Classic." I cannot stand this. I want a cover that says, "Hey, you're special and you get the cover because you're reading the book. It's very subtle but you're in!" I don't want it branded like a fucking cow.

I decided to go to B&N this weekend with S because I really wanted the new book True Prep; a remake of The Official Preppy Handbook, which came out in the '80s. So we went downstairs to ask where it was at the information desk. Let me just add that wwe were on the Upper East Side it's not exactly "shocking" that our pearls were in. So anyway, we go up to the desk and the two people working there were probably never copied on Gossip Girl, they've probably never even seen it**, if you know what I mean. *** Here's our conversation:

Me: Do you have the new preppy handbook?

Bitch: The WHAT?

Me: The preppy handbook.

Bitch 2: I think all the preppy books are upstairs.

Bitch: Ya try the dog section.

THIS IS TRUE. It's ridiculous. I mean come ON we have dog walkers.

*(Atonement, Never Let Me Go, Pride and Prejudice, HOLY SHIT SHE IS FUCKING EVERYWHERE ) **Ugh!! ***EEW!

Don't stop

2010-10-23T12:55:00.000-04:00

Ok, to be honest, I have no idea what the fuck is going on in this video. It's completely ridiculous (what is she wearing? who are these people? There is no logic). But if you can just listen to the song (I would maybe even consider turning away) it's pretty hot.

and I'M SORRY I've been on hiatus. I will return on Monday.

CAN YOU HEAR ME?

2010-10-19T11:04:00.000-04:00

You know some of my thoughts about the elevator, but I think its time for new reflections. Have you ever been in the elevator--obviously its very crowded--and someone's phone starts ringing. Of course, they have no idea where they put it in their sweet cargo pants so they start patting themselves down like a tan white person going through security at the airport.

Then when they find it they pick it up and instead of turning the sound off, they stare at the screen for an unknown reason, and then they do do this: they say, "Hey! I'm in the elevator! CAN YOU HEAR ME?"

Hey, I can hear you. Oh, yes, its me in the elevator with you. When you considered not answering, or even just turning the sound off, but didn't want me to miss out, you guessed accurately: I'm very invested in your personal life. Not only is it more interesting than mine but also , told extra loud, it sounds a lot more fun too. I will take note.

I didn't have Sprint so I couldn't reach you

2010-10-18T14:16:00.001-04:00

Here's a moderately embarrassing confession: I love reading "missed connections" on craigslist. The thing is that some of the missed connections posts are out of control. For example, "You had cum all over you." That's the subject line. Can you imagine someone seeing that and being like, "Oh yes! That was me! You found me! Thank goodness!" Another one had "To the girl drawing me on the 6 train" and then the actual post started with "I did notice that you were drawing me."

Being a romantic, I'm fairly convinced the Sprint "any second could be the second" ad, where the guy sees the girl on the other train and changes his ticket, is probably going to happen to me.

That's why it's important for me to checked missed connections because there's probably someone who was like "Hey, I saw you yesterday. I looked at you sitting in the train and I saw my future flash before me but in this really cool backwards sequence but I didn't have Sprint so I couldn't reach you." And I'm like, Don't worry, I'm looking for love online so that's perfect.

Pretend-I'm-A-Music-Blog-Friday Returns!

2010-10-15T08:36:00.002-04:00

In case you were starting to doubt Pretend-I'm-a-Music-Blog-Fridays:
*Give it a little time to start. There is a fake news broadcast in the beginning. Woowee

Not only is the video sweet, but the song is too. I was going to put the title here; but, if I do, more people looking for porn will come to the blog. AND IT IS NOT MY FAULT. My blog came up when someone from Sudan searched "fucking beach,"clearly they've had enough of the sand. OR, since the rainforest isn't going to happen, are ready to put it to good use.

Can I have some?

2010-10-13T11:18:00.001-04:00

Mmm, french toast. Can I have some?

"I run down the center stairway toward the sweet smell of Canadian maple syrup. The crisp bacon sizzling, the hash browns roasting. There’s French toast sprinkled with sugar and globby eggs being squished and squashed to be scrambled. All these wonderful sounds and smells make my mouth water and my nose twitch."

This quotation was taken from today's NY Post article, "Is your school out to lunch?" I am absolutely devastated that I can't find the accompanying picture online and I'm really sorry to put down the 5th grader who wrote it, but it has to happen. You know that scene in A Christmas Story when the mom goes "Who's my little piggy? Who's my little piggy?" Yup, like that. The picture is up close of this rather corpulent young girl drizzling syrup over a jenga game of french toast. We can only assume this is her second serving.

The first person account goes on to add, "I’m worried too many New Yorkers will read this and steal our food! What will happen to us then?" WHO WILL FEED ME? And even worse dilemma arrives when you get breakfast for lunch: "Now, I want to ask myself: If breakfast is lunch and lunch is dinner and dinner is breakfast, where does dessert belong?" AAAH OH NO! HOW WILL WE GET DESSERT?! HOW THE FUCK WILL WE GET DESSERT?!! WE NEED IT! What will I do without dessert? If french toast counts then I'm fucking pissed. No, really, I am, because it shouldn't.

Isn't there anything we can do to help this poor child?!!

"low fat chocolate milk and ice cream!" Does low fat count? Could we put the ice-cream in between a bagel? If so, would it melt? How about ice-cream cake? Fuck it, ice-cream cake pizza.

There's this really cute new place in the village!

2010-10-12T08:38:00.004-04:00

Recently I wanted to see a friend I hadn't seen in awhile; I wasn't arriving in Boston until fourish so I asked if he wanted to "get a coffee." Then when I saw him he was like "What the fuck was up with the 'coffee' stuff?" He was drinking a beer.

He was right. The only really legit time to "grab a coffee" is in the morning because if I have a coffee at four I will be fucking wired for the rest of the night and will probably not sleep. The thing is "Wanna grab a vodka tonic at four" sounds pretty aggressive. Note: the "grab" verb is really important. Whatever the time of the day I wouldn't dispense with it. I've never heard someone say "Would you like to sit down and drink a coffee with me today?" It has to be transient, and also very quick.

I feel like coffee falls under this excellent new term my friends and I developed: "sobering." It's not like when something really horrific happens and it has a "sobering effect," it's like when you would absolutely hook up with someone after a couple of beers and then they ask you if you want to go out to dinner the next night. You would say, "He sobered me." (Unfortunately, he did not "have sex" with me).

Apparently, the only time dudes go to brunch is if there's either a)a quasi-sobering effect or b) a courtesy, because they aren't going to "get brunch" on their own. Guys are never like, "OMG , hey man, what are you up to? Last night was the best! Do you wanna get brunch? There's this really cute new place in the village! We should try it!"

Conviction by numbers

2010-10-11T10:06:00.002-04:00

Over the weekend I ran a half-marathon in Boston. There is nothing which makes you feel more "just like an number" than actually being a fucking number and starting a race surrounded by thousands of people, who will then proceed to fart, spit, and dump their water on you. And, since I don't listen to music when I run, I heard everything. The guy running and farting who thought no one could hear him? Yup, I did. I knew it was him. And I looked at him so he knew I knew, but I don't think he was even aware it was happening. Runners are the worst.

The most important part of the race is OBVIOUSLY the gear. So first there's like what you are actually going to wear to the race. I don't even mean what's comfortable, I mean how are you going to signal to other runners that you know what's up with the race: you shop at Super Runners and not Nike because you aren't fucking around. Athletic apparel with a number(s) on it, which do not actually reference your specific number from a previous athletic event but is going for more of a trendy feel, won't cut it. For example, Old Navy shorts with "27 American Football" does not count.

And then there's the actual event gear. Beyond important. This is key because it will signal to people/ future competitors that you race. You don't run "for fun," you run because winning is fun. (The fact that you are not from Kenya will inevitably work against this and should prompt you to buy gear from races you don't run ---just for conviction by numbers).

Oh my god, look how she does the macarena

2010-10-08T08:34:00.001-04:00

Ha! Weren't expecting that were you! Do you remember the Macarena from middle school dances? The song would come on and everyone went crazy. There was the standard way to do it but also the slutty way. Like we would stand and look at someone and go, "Oh my god look how she does the macarena."

I can't add anything

2010-10-07T10:15:00.001-04:00

I can't beat this article about Mallomars by Ralph Gardner in today's WSJ.It's amazing. Here's just one pull quote: "instead of being happy for him and his fiancee, I was secretly envious that he had access to fresher cookies than I did, probably straight from the factory."

See question 9

2010-10-06T09:45:00.003-04:00

Last night I went to an excellent dance performance where they handed everyone an audience questionnaire. Luckily on the top it assured that "No information will be linked to you personally" in case we were worried BAM was code for Dharma Initiative.

I had no choice but to look and I'm glad I did. The very best question was # 9 : What type of experience do you typically look for when you attend a live performance (Please check all that apply). I'm just going to give you the best ones

-Affordable: Are you poor? We won't like that. If so, please stop filling out the survey now, as your answers are of no use to us and, in general, we do not care.

-Countercultural: I only see things that look weird and different. If a group of my friends are going somewhere and they ask me to come, I say "No." I do this because I'm different. Did you see my outfit? It should be clear.

-Exclusive: Have you seen Gossip Girl? Like that.

-Star-Studded: Yes, I would like my live performances like a constellation or like the Upper West Side on Hanukkah.

The next questions asked if we went to the Public Theater, my friend wrote "??! see question 9 re exclusivity."

There was no "leisurely pace"

2010-10-05T10:09:00.000-04:00

As soon as Brooklyn got sweet, so did biking. I don't mean like biking around the park, I mean biking to work, or around NYC, in your cool outfit.

When I was at Oxford people biked everywhere, so naturally I got a bike because I wanted to fit in. I wanted to bike on the wrong side of the road and feel cool about it. You know what? Not fun. It sounds like a good idea but it is not. First off, I can't not bike as fast as possible--there was no "leisurely pace". When I got on that bike I was not fucking around. Whether or not I had to be somewhere soon was completely irrelevant. I was going to fucking race to my destination: anyone who was next to me was not a friend, they were my enemy, and they were going to lose.

The problem with riding a bike is that it's impossible to dress properly. I would start out feeling fucking awesome about my outfit and then by the time I reached my tutorial--in record time--I was sweating and completely disheveled. What are you supposed to wear? There is really only a five minute period where you are actually hot, but it is really hot.

Speaking of hot: I was in Nantucket for the 4th of July this summer and my friend suggested a group of us bike to the beach. It sounds fucking awesome. It sounds like we're about to take a scene from Now and Then and be best friends forever. We are not.

People love Pizza. They don't love math.

2010-10-04T08:55:00.001-04:00

I was innocently watching TV over the weekend, when this ad came on. It's true, this is a real ad and it glorifies other ads that really concerned me. Let me just re-quote, even though you just watched it, Pizza Hut now promises no more "confusing deals, or math problems." I'm sorry: am I missing something? At what point were deals on food complicated math? I can only assume they're referring to a mind boggling two-for- one deal or, even worse, buy-this get-that bullshit. Or "super sizing," which might lead the inquistive mind/fat fuck to question just how super is super? Is it super enough? Thank you Pizza Hut I was worried that, when I wanted to stuff my face, I might be led astray. Fuck math, feed me.

I'm going rococo

2010-10-01T09:25:00.001-04:00

I feel like my recent music posts have had no sluts. And considering the number of music posts it seem disproportionate. In order to apologize here is a hot music video and an excellent song.

The Printed Blog

2010-09-29T15:43:00.002-04:00

I'm now part of The Printed Blog network. The Printed Blog is a weekly print subscription magazine composed of blog posts and online content. It's pretty sweet.

If you like my post(s) click the vote link that's now up. The more votes a blog gets the more quickly an editor will review it.

If you don't like my posts then fuck off and vote anyway. There's no need to be judgemental--it's a blog. Relax.

Is that the one where she kills herself in the end?

2010-09-29T09:48:00.002-04:00

My family has a Netflix subscription and my mother picks out the movies. This means we watch a lot of English stuff--anglophilia pervades. Recently, Netflix redid their website so you can no longer see what your friends are watching (this has been moved to facebook). My mother was not pleased and she called customer service. It was one of the best conversations I've ever heard. She proceeded to tell the woman on the other line that she was "not her friend" and "couldn't tell her what to watch."

We usually watch the movies at different times, so frequently my father has seen something before I have but he'll watch it again when I do. He is big into narrative warnings. Like when something really bad or scary is about to happen he'll say, "Here we go." Thanks dad. It's like when I started reading a book for my senior project in high school and he said, "Oh is that the one where she kills herself in the end?" Yes, thank you.

My problem with movies, in general, is that I'm really bad at dealing with the characters stupid decisions. Like in the original Narnia movies I was so fucking annoyed when they went back into the wardrobe. All I could think was "DO NOT GO." You fucking know what is going to happen; you're about to enter a super cracked out christian allegory, this will not be a surprise, and then you are going to spend the rest of the movie trying to leave. Don't do it.

That said, I've never been one to yell at the TV. You know why? Because I fucking know they can't hear me. It's true. I'll watch something and I'll want to reach out, but I have great people skills and natural intuition. I see whats going to happen but I keep quiet.

Sorry, I just washed my hands

2010-09-28T09:59:00.005-04:00

In a day and age where everyone is trying to save the planet, I found it really refreshing to find some folders by people who were like "Nope, we're not" because I'm not either. They're just normal file folders but they have "Dead Trees" printed on the front. I'm not saying I go around yelling "Fuck trees. I hate trees," but I also don't feel like I'm in Ferngully. I have no qualms drinking bottled water and when I bought cookie ingredients yesterday I double bagged them because it was easier FOR ME.

Like when I go to a public restroom and I wash my hands, you know what? I am going to use as many paper towels as I need to make my hands completely, absolutely dry because I hate damp hands. I'll go and try to be conservative but then pick up my book and there's this fucking slightly handprint on my page, and I don't like that. Or when you meet someone and you shake their hand and it's fucking wet and they say, "Sorry, I just washed my hands."

Did you dunk your hands in a bucket of water and come directly to me? I don't care that I'm playing waterfalls here, I need to shake hands immediately. I was going to dry them but someone collected all of the paper towels and burned them. There was nothing I could do. I feel like I'm missing something. Because when you shake my hand and your hand is wet, I think it's pee. I don't care if its immature: that's what the deal is. The worst is if there is a hand sensor paper dispenser because it only releases one sheet at a time and this is never enough to dry your hands properly; so you end up waving at this machine like you have palsy. Or, and maybe this is worse, the hand dryer which doesn't actually do anything unless you commit a good five minutes.

Usually these problems only occur in public restrooms, but here's something else I don't get: pretty hand towels. Do you know what I'm talking about? The really thin linen pretty ones. What is the point? Like if you go to someone's house for dinner and you use the bathroom before leaving, you have to use these hand towels to not dry your hands afterwards. You'll shake their hand good bye and they give you this look like, "Gross" and I'm like "This was your decision."

On the count of three we'll both hang up

2010-09-27T09:52:00.002-04:00

The last time I was really on a conference call was in 7th grade when it was like, "Ok, don't talk and we'll call up Sue and ask her what she thinks about you." and we'd ask her and she'd say something like, "She's fine" but then when it came to hanging out together at lunch I wasn't having any of it: Sue was "soo double-sided."

Obviously you can imagine my initial excitement when my boss was like, "We're doing a conference call with the website company." I was like fuck yeah we are--who's talking: you or me? Anyway so it turns out these big group meeting conference calls are the strangest thing ever. It's like have a phone interview and the person's talking and you're nodding, or you're talking and gesturing but no one can see what the fuck is going on so you want to be like, "I'm nodding. You'll never know for sure so you'll have to trust me on this one. I hear you and I agree, so I'm moving my head up and down."

It's impossible to talk properly on these calls because you have no way to read any sort of social cues. Everything is prefaced with a "I'm just going to jump in here" like the whole call is a fucking swimming pool. The best part is the good-bye. Do you say good-bye? Do you say thank you? It's like a game of "No I love you more" which progresses into a "You hang up first!" Can you imagine?

-Bye Web Publishing!"
-Bye I love you!"
-No I love YOU
-I love you more!
-No I love you more!
-You hang up first
-No you!
-Ok, on the count of three we'll both hang up
-Ok
-I love you!

Hanging out in Edinburgh, being cool, being euro

2010-09-24T09:56:00.001-04:00

Hurray Friday! These songs are from my sister who is super hip and "hanging out with her friends in edinburgh right now" being cool, being euro, hanging with the scandos before classes start. She is much cooler than I am, which probably isn't hard

There's a lot of instrumental in the beginning of this one, but it's still pretty fucking good and you should give it a chance.

NOT !

2010-09-23T09:12:00.002-04:00

Do you remember the "Not!" joke? You'd be like, "You are so cool....NOT!" And it was the funniest most hysterical thing you'd ever heard: "Want to come to my birthday party?....NOT" It was pretty harsh.

It's recently occurred to me that the "Not" bit is really just a sarcasm-identify when you're too young to have a sense of sarcasm. The last time I ever babysat (a couple of months ago) the kid was not being fun or cool and refused to do her homework. So I told her, as a joke OBVIOUSLY, that if she didn't sit down and start, I would "lock her in the bathroom." Apparently this is not funny without the "Not!" Whatever.

I actually started saying "Not!" again, with my one-joke friend. You know those people that you had a class with, or worked with, or met at a party once, and you come up with this one inside joke. Then, every time you see them afterwards, its like, "Hey!! NOT!!" The one joke is never ever funny, and like you guys probably aren't really friends but you will literally pretend to be friends forever.

The "not" is really just for people who are absolutely retarded and have no sense of humor. Like if you read the title of my blog and thought, "Well that's nice" but if it was named "Living with my parents is cool....NOT!" you'd get it.

I heard the tone of their voice and I knew they were hurt

2010-09-22T09:38:00.002-04:00

In today's WSJ there is an article titled, "How to Keep Your Cool in Angry Times." The article is based on research (from 2007, very up-to-date) which details the interaction between customers and customer services representatives. You know when you call and they say this call is "being monitored for quality-assurance" and then someone who doesn't speak English jumps on from across the world? Apparently people were listening.

Anyway, so they have a cool graph displaying "What customers wanted and got in response to their complaints." Here's my favourite part: 15% of people that called wanted revenge. Here's my other favourite part: 1% of people got it.

I'm sorry, what? Let's say a hundred people called, ok this means that 15 people--like a whole liberal arts english classroom, or like 15 people who won't be employed in the future--called to "get back" at the company. What exactly did they do? Fuck this company. I was so fucking angry I called them. I said "I hate you and your voice is dumb" and they were like, "Have a nice day" but I heard the tone of their voice and I knew they were hurt.

So then, after this phone call, did they go immediately go to a poll like, "yeah, I did it! I showed them!" And who decides if they actually got revenge or not? Does the customer services person have to say, "Excuse me that really hurt my feelings?" To which they get, "Good. I did it on purpose. I was seeking revenge. You know in Kill Bill when Uma's out to get even? Like that, but this is for my cheetos which were neither crunchy nor orange."

You are NOT supposed to keep talking

2010-09-21T09:09:00.003-04:00

The "how are you?" is a pretty standard part of the meet-and-greet-and-pass. Like if you pass someone on the street who you know but both of you don't care it's: "Hi! How are you?" And you keep moving. You are NOT supposed to keep talking. Sometimes you get totally fucked by being accidentally caring and compassionate (like I clearly am all the time).

Like when people actually answer the question with something really depressing and situationally inappropriate. When I was at my high school reunion I ran into someone who WAS NOT my friend and was obviously like "Hi! How are you?" and she said "Not great. I broke up with my boyfriend and I'm really depressed." *

This also happens in more challenging situations like when you get your haircut and you have to figure out: Do I talk? What are we going to talk about? How long does the conversation go on? Should I stop when you use the hair dryer? Maybe? No. No, I should keep talking even though it's very loud and I'm not saying anything interesting. Why do people always feel the need to start up a conversation? Then I usually spend the rest of the haircut feeling like I need to say something interesting or ask questions. The worst is that my haircutter is fucking hot and looks really awesome so like I feel I have to say something awesome. I was doing a pretty good job holding my own until he noticed the book I brought and was like, "Oh, what are you reading?" and I said, "Ooooh, it's about American colonials in London" and he said, "Cool."

Like even when I'm at the dentist, my dentist is like, "How's life going? Have you started work yet?" I'm sorry I can't focus because I'm looking up into your nostrils and you're breathing on me, not to mention the fact that--oh yes--your fucking fingers are in my mouth so the chance of me responding to your questions are, I don't know, zero.

*I don't care. At all.

It's not like a loud laugh, it's like a knowing chuckle

2010-09-14T10:13:00.001-04:00

Have you ever been sitting in a public place--like a coffee shop, somewhere where it's fairly quiet--and someone laughs out loud? I don't mean with their group of friends, I mean just alone while they're reading. I have no problem laughing by myself but I can't stand when people self-consciously laugh out loud like, "Oh look I'm having fun AND I have a sense of humor HAHAHA).

A particularly obnoxious example of this is if you're on the subway and someone's reading a book---NO: The New Yorker--and they give this little laugh so that you know they are fucking smart and they "get" the joke. The thing is that most things don't necessarily even warrant this vocal outreach. Or they'll be reading something that obviously isn't universally hysterical, like, I don't know, The Economist, but they give a little "Ha" because they are fucking on the "in" and they know a funny markets joke when they see one.

Sometimes I'll be sitting with a group of friends and we're all doing our own thing (pretending to work) and then someone will check their email and laugh out loud. It's not like a loud laugh, it's like a knowing chuckle.

Cool friend : Haha
Me the loser: What's so funny?
(pause)
MtL: Cool friend, WHAT'S SO FUNNY
(CF leans into computer screen a bit, leans back in chair still looking SUPER engaged, looks over)
CF: Sorry what?
MtL: What's so funny
CF: Oh, it's nothing. Ha

Sometimes they'll even add in a "Oh, it's nothing. This really hot guy (insert name) is just so ridiculous." Ooooh, okay, well then I obviously wouldn't get it.

Enough of this charade.

2010-09-13T09:48:00.002-04:00

An angry rabbit.

Recently I was talking with someone about running and they shared this interesting tidbit with me: Apparently, there is a tribe of Native Americans who, instead of hunting down animals with weapons, run after them until the weakest animal, exhausted, collapses.

OK. Let me just repeat this: They run after four-legged animals until one animal is like, "fuck it, this is ridiculous" and just dies because they have literally had enough of this running bullshit.

Is this effective? Like if you had to set up two tribes against one another and bet who would win, would you pick the one with arrows or the ones that were like: we have great stamina.

This running just seems like the MOST ineffective way to hunt in the entire wold. In the little bit of research I did before posting this, everyone was super impressed by their running skills. I'm sorry to be such a downer, but um, they don't actually need to run this much. WHAT ABOUT THEIR HUNTING SKILLS? I am not impressed. It's not it's even more humane. Not only do they kill the rabbit but they're super mean and insulting first. If I were a rabbit I just wouldn't run. I would be like, "No, you run. Enough of this charade."

Get Up!

2010-09-10T18:49:00.003-04:00

Aaah had to do another one.

Have a good weekend.

I knew it was cool like soo early on

2010-09-10T08:58:00.000-04:00

Yay Friday! I've given you two songs here, as you might conclude from your ability to "see."

Bc I'm so alt I've included this too. I was obsessed with the Foals when I was abroad and now they've come out with another excellent album. (I pointed out the abroad bit so you know I knew it was cool like sooo early on). It's super fucking good, give it a minute or so to begin properly:

It's absolutely getting a word-friend

2010-09-09T10:28:00.002-04:00

Whenever people call a restaurant to order out they usually end up saying a word for any confusing letter You say like, "Apt 15 C-for cat", so no one fucks that up.

Yesterday I had to make a lot of phone calls to foreign embassies and, since I'm an ignorant American and only speak one language, I had to ask them to spell everything out. People choose the fucking craziest shit, and, also, once they get in the habit of giving a word for every letter it doesn't stop. Like even if the letter is really obvious; it's absolutely getting a word-friend. This is what one end of the conversation would sound like:

"Here's our email:

A--like "actor" (We all know what A sounds like, but "actor" is okay so we'll let it go)

D--like "dead" (Yup, I actually heard this one and there are a lot of other options for "d" like, um, "dog," for example.)

O--(pause: do I keep going with the spelling thing? I've already started but what the fuck starts with O?): ox

B--like "boisterous" (People always do this: they choose words that are fucking longer than the actual word. WHY?)

You get the idea. This one woman I called had all of her words down. She gave me the longest email ever but had clearly memorized everything. Her email had a whole posse of pals. She knew what was coming and she was fucking ready.

I fucking love sweatpants

2010-09-08T08:03:00.003-04:00

Piperlime's new and inexplicably nasty ad.

Dear Piperlime,

I saw your ad the other day. My friends and I were in a taxi and then it zoomed by on top of another taxi, yeah, the one that says, "Say NO to sweatpants." Hey, hi, sorry, Piperlime, but WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU? Oh, and what does your name even mean? Because, you know what, I have no idea. And if you thought you could trick me by appearing on Project Runway, guess what: you can't. Nope, no fucking way; when Tim Gunn was like, "Choose carefully from the Piperlime wall," I thought, "What the fuck is Piperlime?" and so did everyone else.

And, by the way, since we're on the subject, I fucking love sweatpants. Ya, I do. Sometimes I just sit in my sweatpants all day long because I'm a blogger, and it's a step up from my nightgown. When I'm feeling really good, I wear my nice sweatpants, the ones with the drawstring and flair. I have to differentiate between these two types because it's important to dress for the right occasion.

Speaking of finding the right clothes, Piperlime, I actually went online to see what the deal was--turns out you're part of Gap and Old Navy SO DON'T YOU TELL ME WHAT TO WEAR.

Wearing my sweats right now,

Antonia

What if we like ordered a bunch of stuff and shared it?

2010-09-07T10:28:00.002-04:00

How was your long weekend? Was it "good" "relaxing" "nice to have a break" ? You might be wondering how I know, and it's because mine was also "good" and "relaxing." It's the same as the summer conversation.

Now that we got that out of the way: How do you feel about sharing food at a restaurant? I'll tell you how I feel: not great. You'll go to a restaurant with a big group of friends that is already way too fucking big because like Jenny had to bring her boyfriend and her boyfriend had to bring his friends so he wasn't alone and they all suck but they're there so oh well, AND THEN someone goes, "What if we like ordered a bunch of stuff and all shared it?"

No. I don't want to share. It's not because I have sharing issues it's because chances are that everyone is going to like this one dish that I probably wanted to order anyway because I have excellent taste. Also, everyone gets super kind and compassionate about what to eat: "Do you want the last one? No you take it! Totally! I already tried part of it so I'm fine! Ya GO FOR IT!" Here's what happens: there is always one tiny piece of dessert left. It's always dessert and it's probably like the most fucking delicious cake you've ever had, but if you finish it off then you're an asshole.

The thing is once this whole scenario starts up you are trapped because no one is going to be like, "No, I don't want to share. I want my very own. I know what I want and I don't want your communist theories fucking with that. I'd like to eat from my own plate and not some sort of segregated trough."

Freedom

2010-09-07T10:11:00.003-04:00

Jonathon Franzen's new book Freedom is so unbelievably good you must read it immediately. It's just as good, if not better, than The Corrections, and has all the humor, insight, and depth of his essays.

If you don't believe me because I'm just a fucking blog, it was excerpted in The New Yorker three months ago and you can read that here:

Good Neighbors: The New Yorker

And if you have trust issues:

Click here

Groove Armada

2010-09-03T10:39:00.000-04:00

Sorry I've just got one for you. Have an excellent weekend and be mindful of Earl: the worst hurricane name ever. I was listening to the radio this morning and they were talking about the "big impending storm" because they were clearly too embarrassed to say Earl, which was probably a good call.

Whenever I pass him I use my "hey" move.

2010-09-02T10:12:00.001-04:00

My building has enough young people in it that sometimes I pretend I'm living in my own apartment with cool roommates: like when you play house in preschool but this is my real life. I'll be in the elevator with some people around my age and I'll take out my keys and go to my apartment like it's no big deal and I'm certainly paying rent; sometimes I'll even say "Hey" because whatever.

A couple months ago a fucking hot guy moved in next to me. I know because my mom told me. Whenever I pass him I use my "hey"move. Oh, I'm just unlocking my apartment:"hey." I see you're standing by the elevator on Saturday night. You may have noticed I'm standing here too. It's because I'm going out and will probably have a lot of fun. I'm like that: "hey."

So I was getting ready to go over to my friend's house last night and my mom told me the shirt I had been wearing all day was ugly and I should change. This really hurt my feelings so I told her as I left. After I had opened the door into the hallway and saw my hot neighbour hanging out by the elevator, and this is not a fucking joke, she screams: "ANTONIA, YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG LADY!"

I'm that kind of blog

2010-09-02T09:35:00.002-04:00

This is just really a really quick post before I finish my other post because I need to share this information.

On blogger I have stats feature and one of the special little stats tools is "keywords," which lets me see what people searched for that brought them to my blog. Here are my two favorite:

1. "makeouts don't count"

2. "the sexy move that works from 20 feet away"

Like who searches this shit in google? If I want validation that makeouts don't count I'll just call up one of my sluttier friends, and if I want a move that works from 20 ft away I'll probably call the same person. And, either way, these are the kinds of searches that bring up my blog. I'm that kind of blog.

Also, if you're curious, the "move that works from 20 ft away" * is walking like a slut. Shocking.

*Just getting more readers here.

Dove ad creates surge of unwarranted self-confidence

2010-08-30T10:20:00.007-04:00

When the heat wave returned to NYC this past weekend, many took this as a free pass to strip down and beach themselves on the lawns of Central Park. Entering the park from at a variety of locations, one was immediately accosted by the over confident and "slutty." People squeezed onto every patch of grass like pregnant fish in a sardine can, and reported "not giving a shit" about the other people around them.

It turns out that this abundance of erroneous self confidence can be tranced back to Dove's ad campaign earlier this year. The campaign, geared towards promoting the beauty of "real women," displayed women with many different types of bodies laughing and having the best time ever. "When I first saw the ad," reports Cindy Lord, "I was like, "Wow they are all so beautiful," but I like still totally wished the one on the far right was bit skinnier." Others like Cindy were quickly inspired by the "fat girls" in the campaign. "It was so great to see that all these girls who like didn't care they were ugly," remembers Sandra Greer, "but then it got a bit out of control because people thought they were ok, but they like weren't."

Greer pointed specifically to her cousin who, she reports, "saw the ad and could like relate to these woman so well it was disgusting."

*I truly apologize for the spelling of "surge." This was written before my coffee and is completely unacceptable, but still pretty fucking ridic.

Hot Tips

2010-08-28T20:05:00.001-04:00

While I don't make it a habit to post during the weekend, I was reading Cosmo in preparation for my absolutely wild and crazy Saturday night and I came across this (I will be following up with a another in depth Cosmo look on Monday--Don't worry). Embedded in the Promotions/Advertising section, and under the title "Hot Tips," was an ad for this:

Okay...HOW SLUTTY DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO BUY AN AT HOME PATERNITY TEST? Thank you Cosmo. I can't tell you how much I appreciate other good tips in addition to the "sexy move" that "works from 20 feet away." Now I can have sex from across the room and find out if he my baby's daddy all in one night.

Be Cool.

2010-08-27T09:30:00.001-04:00

It's Friday and I'm still delusional: P.I.A.M.B.F. continues.

(many thanks to the English, who like to kiss strippers and go on dates, and my little sheep).

Be cool & have a good weekend.

Like when you help orphans--but this is for me

2010-08-25T12:40:00.006-04:00

You know those emails you have to send out when you're looking for a job? The nice email asking for advice. You go onto your school network or whatever, find a really successful person and then email them like, "Hi, friend. Let's chat" then they're like, "No, I'm busy," and you say "OK" because you're "networking" and you're very good at it.

I've never had success story from this but apparently people send things like this and end up with a new friend/ "mentor." I think the concept of mentoring is pretty awesome . Whenever I hear people talking about learning new shit they're like "Get a mentor." How does that even go down? "Pardon me, but would you like to be a mentor? Like community service when you help out orphans--but this is for me."

Now--and it's hard for me to believe this story, since I blog and therefore clearly have no mentor--but it turns out that sometimes people are like "I WILL BE YOUR MENTOR" even if you're like, "You will not." My friend told me a story where he was at work talking to a female coworker. Afterwards, this older guy was like, "Be careful there, Rex Park. Hahaha" What are you even supposed to do in that scenario? "Oh, thanks for looking out for me. I was definitely going to have sex with this older unattractive woman but luckily you jumped in with your guiding hand and saved me."

I've included a list of ways you shouldn't sign these emails below. I've put "not" in caps, in case you're retarded.

Ways NOT to sign work/ "networking" emails

2010-08-25T12:38:00.003-04:00

Love always,

Forever,

Peace,

BFFAEAE,

Makin' memories,

Chill,

Cool,

I heard you were a slut when you went to college here,

Whatever,

Antonia

20-Somethings Really Fucking Lazy

2010-08-23T08:47:00.001-04:00

A cool looking photo of 20-Something doing something stupid

like thinking.

A new study with scientific evidence and proximity suggests that 20-somethings are now “really fucking lazy”. While the study did not put this age group within a specific timeline, it argues that being “20-something, or whatever” is like being stuck in a box that is also a blender. Follow-ups have yet to determine what this actually means.

Teach for These Underprivileged Kids, as well as artsy shit and worthless travel, punctuate the current post-college existence. In some cases, this Peter Pan bullshit even leads young people back to school for no reason whatsoever, where they continue to “study” and “hook-up.”

Refusing to get married out of college, they seemed convinced that they will be able to find the right partner after “dating” or “getting to know someone.” This willy-nilly attitude towards romance has resulted in the median age at first marriage shooting forward and out of control. Women, apparently gung ho about working in an “office,” refuse to settle down until 26.

Their dilly-dallying is compounded by a disgusting optimism, which plagues all 20-somethings. For some reason they seem to think they can do just about anything. And, caught in a romantic “sense of possibility,” they continue to explore their options. This nauseating self-discovery period gives 20-somethings the chance to live at home with their parents, like the losers they are. Even worse, privileged fucks with money are trying new things and finding a sense of self; instead of going straight into banking. Reports suggest “poor people” might do this too, but no one really cares.

While it’d be nice to think that happier, well educated, and culturally informed people might eventually make some sort of contribution, if they don’t stop thriving on hope and “volunteering” there’s really nothing we can do.

The writer’s last article was about anxiety.

I'd hate to have music but not sluts.

2010-08-20T10:04:00.000-04:00

It's Pretend I'm A Music Blog Friday again! Yeah! I've given you two videos because I'm getting that fucking hip. Also, one has no sluts but the other does. I'd hate to have music but not sluts.

The Underminer

2010-08-19T11:01:00.002-04:00

Seven cameras used to take "silliest picture ever"

2010-08-19T10:30:00.000-04:00

Last weekend, a group of girlfriends got together and took "like, the best picture ever." The picture, it was reported, was taken with a variety of cameras and from several different angles until "everyone looked cute."

"It was crazy," said Lizzie Bellows, from Delaware, "it started out with only like three people and then I was like, 'OMG! Everyone get in!' and then they did almost immediately." Everyone was dressed and look "totally hot" so they wanted to get a best friends forever picture because everyone was there. Before getting in a group everyone was reassured, respectively, "You look sooo good. You do. I promise." and "No, that's not slutty."

Initially, when they took the picture, everyone was smiling and posing--but then things took a turn. "At first, we were all like smiling and then we decided "fuck this" and took a silly picture." said Katherine Brown. " We were so silly but it's great because then, when it's tagged on facebook, people will know that we are funny too." Brown added that she might even, "crop it" later and "totally use it for my profile picture."

All girls expressed relief when the photographer agreed to use seven cameras. Bellows reported being particularly pleased because "Susan never puts up pictures" and she wanted her own copy. While all in all the experience was a positive one, Sally Hanson later reported to Caroline Stevenson she was "pissed" because "Lizzie always takes the side spot to make her arms looks skinny and it's really annoying."

She knows what's up.

2010-08-17T12:30:00.001-04:00

So I was watching Lifetime yesterday and the thing about watching Lifetime is that the advertisements are either for depressing rape/murder movies or infomercials. I know the snuggie has gotten some serious attention--because it's fucking ridiculous*--but you should know that a "blanket with arms" is only the beginning.

The Cami-Secret:

The cami-secret is this special bib you put on your bra so that your shirt isn't low cut anymore because it looks like you wearing a lace camisole--clearly an arbiter of good taste--underneath. Ok, I don't understand. Like, don't buy a sluze top. There is even a part where her co-worker comes in and they are both wearing cami-secrets in different colors. The ad basically says this: Have huge tits but can't help yourself when it comes to slutty tops b?! DONT WORRY! Cover that shit up with this piece of fabric. It's even adjustable: decide just how slutty you want to be! Look at her face in the "Low" picture. She knows what's up, and it's not her cami-secret.

*When I originally went to click on the snuggie link, a box popped up on my screen that said "you might be connecting to a website that is pretending to be "www.getsnuggie.com" Why are some sites pretending to be other sites? Like the site is only pretending. Be warned.

You'll never believe who I'm with!

2010-08-16T09:32:00.003-04:00

A Couple of weeks ago, I talked about people who text for no reason. Now I want to touch base with people who call for no reason. I think family is probably the best example of this because they don't really need an excuse. Once I woke up at 7:30 because my phone was ringing. I picked up, assuming it was an emergency, and my mom said, "Whats up?"

Family can be especially dangerous if you call at the wrong time. Like if, for example, you call when they are with other family members. Then something like this goes down: Hey, you'll never believe who I'm with! That's right: our entire extended family and also people who we call "family" but are really just friends.They're all here! I'm going to pass you around, hold on! If you get the pass around you are fucked.It's like being stuck with a group of people who don't really have anything to say to you but all called at once to make sure they were right. Whenever my dad calls, our entire conversation is footnoted by David Foster Wallace. For example:

Me: Hi
Him: Hi, how are you? 1

Just imagine a whole conversation like that, they can go on for awhile. It doesn't even matter if you have nothing to say. My mother does it too. I was talking to her as I walked home, I got in the building and then told her I had to go because I was getting in the elevator and she was like, "Where are you going?" and I was like, "up."

1. How was your day? Bring me through you entire day. When you say that you went to the park were you on 95th or 86th? Oh, you know what, I just ran into your friend today and they are having the best time here. Have you spoken to them? Who were you at the park with again? That's so nice that you are hanging out with her again. Also, before I forget, I looked in the car and it seems you drove it. In the groves that make up the wheels there was what I'll call "debris." I can only assume this can also be identified as "road."

Off the Grid

2010-08-13T10:58:00.000-04:00

I decided that Friday's are the day I can pretend I'm a music blog (and on Thursday's I'll wear pink. And pretend I'm a fashion blog). I got this new song courtesy of the The Believer . The music issue is out now and has a bunch of good stuff. This is pretty funky.

You there! STOP EATING

2010-08-12T10:36:00.001-04:00

If you're walking down the street in New York you just might be lucky enough to come across this sign: Hey you! STOP EATING. See me here through the bramble? I'm here to help! Thanks for the note, Mount Sinai. I was trying to figure out ways to slim down and was having a lot of difficulty. But then, when I saw your sign as I stuffed a bagel in my mouth, I was like, Oooh that's how it works. One of the other posters says, "Stop smoking, pick up a hobby." I don't know why they assume smokers can't multitask. They are wrong. I wish I could have a cigarette but I am way too busy needlepointing this pillow for my grandmother and am very busy.

Even those these are seriously dick posters, I appreciate them much more than women's magazines which are like, "Instead of meeting a friend for a drink, why not go work out together?" While I really appreciated the subtlety, working out with a friend may not be the most fun thing in the world; especially because people really like talking about going to the gym:

OMG I went to the gym today, did you go to the gym today? Oh you did? Yeah, I went forever, like forEVER. However long you worked out, add at least forty minutes and that was me. I like did the elliptical--no not the treadmill, eww I don't want big legs--and then did some repetition workouts. People checked me out. I was in Lulu lemon. Yeah, the racerback. So flattering.

I absolutely guarantee you you can say it somewhere else

2010-08-11T09:33:00.006-04:00

You may have seen the new BBM ads around. They are retarded. Luckily, since I have a blackberry, and toootally bbm, I thought I'd interpret them for you. The quotations are what you would find inside the bbm bubble like the one at the top.

"Some things you'd like to keep among friends" : Soo....you bbm them? This is like a super super good way to keep things secret. A loser might try to use your bbm, and they look, and then it just says "NO."

"You'll know they know you know they read it." Yeah I totes BBMed him and I fucking know he read it because I can see it right here. But now he knows I know and like it's super awkward. It's fine I'll just send it again. Do you think that was on purpose? Why didn't he respond; I don't understand. I'll just call him. Should I call him?

"When ASAP isn't ASAP enough." When that happens you fucking call. Oooh a text doesn't work. I know! I'll use this nifty device on my blackberry bc when it's a blackberry people respond faster because they respect you.

"The after party party" Yeah, hey! whats up with you! That party was like so fun!!! But you know what? Let keep this party going ON OUR BBM. Fuck yeah.

"Know for sure, not, 'like, for sure' " Someone asked me if I knew and I was like, "like, for sure." I don't even know what that means but it's exactly how I felt. Luckily, I was like, "fuck it; bbm me" and then I knew for sure.

"If you can't say it here, you probably can't say it." This just isn't true. I absolutely guarantee you you can say it somewhere else.

Special world of love

2010-08-09T08:55:00.004-04:00

I always have a good weekend when I get to dance. I do "just want to dance." Here's a little thing dane doesn't address: the dance floor makeout. It's been argued to me that dance floor make outs don't count as cheating because its OBVIOUSLY just like a dance move: I'm just going to twirl you and then ah! my tongues in your mouth! But it's to the beat, so it's okay.

There's another element too. If you getting caraaazy dancin' with your girlfriends, and you look over and there are people making out on the dancefloor no one will every say, "Wow they are soooo in love. What passion." No, it's: "OMG she is such slut. Can't she just like have fun and not be a slut? NO. They are being ridiculous; it's gross. But if it's you. You do not think it's gross. In fact, you're probably pretty sure that absolutely no one can see you, like making out gives you special invisibility powers, or you've been transformed to the final scene of a movie where there's a make out at the school dance and the camera pans out and they are in their own special world of love.

I actually got my first kiss at a 6th grade dance. I'd been swing dancing with him and then we were all hanging out by the pretzels and soda, and he learned over and kissed me on the cheek. Let me preface this by saying that my mother had repeatedly been like, YOU ONLY HAVE ONE REPUTATION, and I did not want to be a sluze. So my boyfriend of like four fucking months leans over and plants one on my cheek and I said, "OMG I do not want to move that fast."

Alive

2010-08-06T07:59:00.000-04:00

Don't worry, I don't think I'm a music blog. HOWEVER, since I live with my parents--and my dad listens to a lot of music--I thought I'd share this with you. It's also posting without doing anything.

Ways to look like you're working at a coffee shop:

2010-08-04T14:04:00.000-04:00

1. Bring your computer; no one will take you seriously without it. Make sure to open a variety of windows so it's clear you're multi-tasking.

2. Don't order anything with whipped cream. Whipped cream is for little girls and for people who do not work at coffee shops.

3. Set out some books. You need at least two books. And the title should include words like "Economics," "Imperialism" or any multisyllabic word. One of these books should be big enough to warrant post-it notes.

4. Pull out your post it notes. Use them. Don't bring crazy ones with little arrows or "fun" colors. You are not here to have fun and you are not fucking around: the pages being marked are important.

5. Notes. Take them. Let people know you are both reading and criticising. Your notes are important; you will probably need them later and they have very sophisticated musings.

6. Every once and a while put your hair up and take it down. Or if you have glasses take them off and put them on again. This lets people know you are lost in thought but also taking time to reflect.

7. Keep your blackberry out. People should know you have one. Important calls could be coming in at any moment.

8. When you're finally done look accomplished and satisfied. Maybe even look around, see whats up with everyone else. See if your incredibly hot boyfriend came in to meet you--even though he knows you're busy and working.

This is my 100th post.

2010-08-04T13:51:00.003-04:00

It's true.

Last night we had a conversation, but all I remember is.....

2010-08-03T12:03:00.000-04:00

Great lyrics & love this band.

And this one just makes you feel fucking great.

Hey, thanks, MACHINE

2010-08-02T12:06:00.000-04:00

I would say I check my email one million times a day. Who knows what I'm even looking for? At the rate I check, I should literally be expecting a minute-by-minute update, from God, on every single Chinese person in the world. Sometimes, when I sign onto Gmail to check and read dozens of mail, I put make myself "invisible" on Gchat. I do this because sometimes absolutely everyone wants to talk to me and I don't want to spread myself too thin. Even though I know I chose to be invisible, I still find it really obnoxious when my email tells me I'm invisible like its fucking challenging my identity. "You are invisible." and then right there it also says "Go visible." I don't want an email account that insinuates.

You know how in the beginning of anti-depression ads some slightly overweight white woman goes, "Sometimes it feels like I have no reason to get up in the morning." Ok, well I literally have no reason to get up in the morning and then I sign onto to check my email and my computer tells me I'm invisible. Hey, thanks, MACHINE.

Like how come when your computer fucks up--not you; you did absolutely nothing wrong--the only options are "Ok" or "Cancel"? This inanimate object just lost all of your fucking work and the only options are "Sweet/Awesome" or "Whatever."

Every five dollars counts.

2010-07-28T09:43:00.000-04:00

Whenever I go to the supermarket I have to be careful to avoid the shampoo/soap/shit-you- don't-really-need-but-will-absolutely-think-you-do aisle, because I will absolutely buy that shit. The packaging, especially when they have graphics, is just super convincing. Does your hair look like this? No, I don't think so; but maybe it does--I don't want my hair to look like that--I want the strongest hair in the whole fucking world so I can tie it in knots and pull heavy machinery like in that ad.

So then you arrive at checkout and you have all of aisle 10 and like, maybe, some vegetables or confetti icing--OR WHATEVER--and they go, "Would you like to donate a dollar for cancer research?" It's a total trap, who the fuck is going to be like, "No, absolutely not, I cannot spare a single dollar for cancer research because I saw the new Essie nail polish earlier and I'll need it for that. It's like kind of neon but a little more elegant, you know what I mean?"

It's like when people are doing a charity excercise event and they send out an email and they're like please donate! I'm running a million miles what are you doing? Guess what. I AM running a million miles, and I want your money, and every dollar DOES NOT count--this isn't christmas where your penny buys a goat for some small child--I'd say about every five dollars counts.

I am, as they say, 'in demand.'

2010-07-27T08:59:00.000-04:00

I'm definitely a fan of texting. For example, "What are you doing right now?" warrants a text message and not a long conversation about how everyone's feeling, which really results in the same question. Ok, fine. I've just been made aware of a new text message. People have started to text when they don't even need to. The text is like, completely unnecessary and pointless. It's not that it's mean, there is literally just no point in communicating. Here's a variety of interpretations I've been thinking about.

"Hey, what are you doing? I just got somewhere really fucking cool and will likely not be able to return any sort of text message but let me just text you so that you know that."

"Hey, I just got somewhere full of people. And not only are there numerous people at this hip hopping party but they are also very loud people. I'll try to call you in a minute. You can hear them. "

"Yo, I am so busy. Are you as busy as I am? To be honest, I'm shocked I had a chance to reach out to you at the moment because I am, as they say, 'in demand.' Oh, who's "they?" My enormous group of friends."

"Where are you? I'm at a club where they will allow no one to leave or come in. Give me your specific location. I cannot meet you. Before I forget: this is the best club. Ever."

off da hook

2010-07-22T10:29:00.000-04:00

I was on the phone last night and we'd been talking for a bit, and I thought I detected the "wrap-up" voice. Since I am so compassionate, and even though I had a lot more deep comments and philosophical insights to make, I was like, "Ok, well goodnight," but then he said, "What?" FALSE ATTRIBUTION.

You know when you're talking to someone and it's like time to wind that shit down and you say something that starts with "well." "Well...." is a major indicator of "okay GOODBYE we have been talking way too long and I have nothing left to say." If you hear "well," make up something really fucking cool and awesome that demands your immediate attention. Then hang up first.

Like I don't think the "two-ring phone pickup" is legit anymore because I fucking know you waited for the second ring before you answered. If you're really cool, then you'll wait much longer because you are super duper busy and have no time for phone calls. Like if you're living at home and blog during the day, you probably don't even have time to answer. (Which is obviously hard because your phone is ringing off the hook).

Everybody's free AND peaceful now too

2010-07-15T09:20:00.001-04:00

I'm absolutely obsessed with this song and have been listening to it on repeat in an obnoxious way (thank you).

Demand It

2010-07-15T08:49:00.000-04:00

I was at the movie theater last night and a trailer came on for the "Grease Sing-A-Long." They are going to play grease with subtitles so you can sing to every song. Can you imagine an entire audience singing to a movie? I honestly can't think of anything worse. Oh wait, I can: if your theater isn't going to be playing this fun-fest 2010 than you can "Demand it." AND EVEN WORSE: They've digitally removed all of the cigarettes. How will Sandy ever be cool if she isn't smoking?

sandy clearly need a cigarette. I'm sorry but she does. "Tell me about it stud but let me gesticulate and then do a suave dance move with my leg first" is not hot.