Whenever I go to the supermarket I have to be careful to avoid the shampoo/soap/shit-you- don't-really-need-but-will-absolutely-think-you-do aisle, because I will absolutely buy that shit. The packaging, especially when they have graphics, is just super convincing. Does your hair look like this? No, I don't think so; but maybe it does--I don't want my hair to look like that--I want the strongest hair in the whole fucking world so I can tie it in knots and pull heavy machinery like in that ad.
So then you arrive at checkout and you have all of aisle 10 and like, maybe, some vegetables or confetti icing--OR WHATEVER--and they go, "Would you like to donate a dollar for cancer research?" It's a total trap, who the fuck is going to be like, "No, absolutely not, I cannot spare a single dollar for cancer research because I saw the new Essie nail polish earlier and I'll need it for that. It's like kind of neon but a little more elegant, you know what I mean?"
It's like when people are doing a charity excercise event and they send out an email and they're like please donate! I'm running a million miles what are you doing? Guess what. I AM running a million miles, and I want your money, and every dollar DOES NOT count--this isn't christmas where your penny buys a goat for some small child--I'd say about every five dollars counts.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
I'm definitely a fan of texting. For example, "What are you doing right now?" warrants a text message and not a long conversation about how everyone's feeling, which really results in the same question. Ok, fine. I've just been made aware of a new text message. People have started to text when they don't even need to. The text is like, completely unnecessary and pointless. It's not that it's mean, there is literally just no point in communicating. Here's a variety of interpretations I've been thinking about.
"Hey, what are you doing? I just got somewhere really fucking cool and will likely not be able to return any sort of text message but let me just text you so that you know that."
"Hey, I just got somewhere full of people. And not only are there numerous people at this hip hopping party but they are also very loud people. I'll try to call you in a minute. You can hear them. "
"Yo, I am so busy. Are you as busy as I am? To be honest, I'm shocked I had a chance to reach out to you at the moment because I am, as they say, 'in demand.' Oh, who's "they?" My enormous group of friends."
"Where are you? I'm at a club where they will allow no one to leave or come in. Give me your specific location. I cannot meet you. Before I forget: this is the best club. Ever."
Posted by a.h.c. at 8:59 AM
Thursday, July 22, 2010
I was on the phone last night and we'd been talking for a bit, and I thought I detected the "wrap-up" voice. Since I am so compassionate, and even though I had a lot more deep comments and philosophical insights to make, I was like, "Ok, well goodnight," but then he said, "What?" FALSE ATTRIBUTION.
You know when you're talking to someone and it's like time to wind that shit down and you say something that starts with "well." "Well...." is a major indicator of "okay GOODBYE we have been talking way too long and I have nothing left to say." If you hear "well," make up something really fucking cool and awesome that demands your immediate attention. Then hang up first.
Like I don't think the "two-ring phone pickup" is legit anymore because I fucking know you waited for the second ring before you answered. If you're really cool, then you'll wait much longer because you are super duper busy and have no time for phone calls. Like if you're living at home and blog during the day, you probably don't even have time to answer. (Which is obviously hard because your phone is ringing off the hook).
Posted by a.h.c. at 10:29 AM
Thursday, July 15, 2010
I was at the movie theater last night and a trailer came on for the "Grease Sing-A-Long." They are going to play grease with subtitles so you can sing to every song. Can you imagine an entire audience singing to a movie? I honestly can't think of anything worse. Oh wait, I can: if your theater isn't going to be playing this fun-fest 2010 than you can "Demand it." AND EVEN WORSE: They've digitally removed all of the cigarettes. How will Sandy ever be cool if she isn't smoking?
Posted by a.h.c. at 8:49 AM
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
A while back I expressed my true feelings about soccer and now I have something new to add. So I was watching to world cup championships, not because I cared but because I obvs need something to talk about when people are like, "Did you see when when 14 got kicked in the chest?" and I can say, "The one with the auburn hair that looked ruffled and the perfect scruff? Why yes."
While 14 was legit fouled, soccer players are the MOST pathetic athletes I have ever seen. Because I only had a shallow and superficial investment in the game, I decided to count how many times they fell on the ground and grabbed the legs, or wiped tears from their eyes, or did both hysterically: 24. FACT.
That's it, that's my post. I'm just sharing real information with you bc I'm that kind of blogger.
Posted by a.h.c. at 11:14 AM
Monday, July 12, 2010
I was in Nantucket over July 4th and everywhere I looked I saw people wearing "life is good" t-shirts. My friend and I even saw a jeep with "life is good" on the wheel thing in the back. And, now that I'm sensitive to this message, I've been seeing them in NY too.
So fucking arrogant. Yeah, I'm stoked your life is good but what about everyone else? People who wear them are usually self-consciously optimistic: "Should I wear Tevas with socks? Hell yeah!" No, you shouldn't. I don't understand why they feel the need to brag.And not only do they brag, but that fucking stick figure is bragging too. It is the most complacent and smug stick figure I have ever seen. Ooh I'm just a stick figure but I get to wear a baseball cap! Now I'm in a boat! Now I kayaking! Look I'm a baby! I've got on sunglasses AND hat! Hurray!
If they have a "life is good" shirt or cap or shorts or some other stupid shit, they probably have a "Baby on Board" sign in their car. Why do people put those up? Like, I was driving really fucking fast and then I saw your car, I was just about to ram the shit out of it and then I saw your sign and said, "Wait, a baby is on board. This is no average car. Let me adjust my driving immediately."
Posted by a.h.c. at 9:45 AM
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
It's time for another booklist. You could even call it "summer reading" if you felt like a good title was your kind of thing. These are the books I've been reading the past month or so...
The Imperfectionists by Tom Rachmann
(Excellent review in the NYT Book review . If you like this I'd read The Kingdom and the Power by Gay Talese)
Memory Babe by Gerald Nicosa
Biography of Jack Kerouac: Nothing makes me feel like I'm adventurous and interesting more than reading about other people's adventurous and interesting lives, like reading an excercise magazine and then not working out.
A Moveable Feast and
The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway
The French Lieutenant's Woman and
The Magus by John Fowles
Lazy blog post: done.
Posted by a.h.c. at 2:49 PM
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Last week, my friend and I went to our favorite pub with the intention of sitting outside. When we got people there were sitting at our table. OUR FUCKING TABLE.
Here's the thing: S and I like sitting at this table because it's a bit removed from the other tables. Obviously we don't want to sit by all of the other girls because their discussion of "Does he like me? Maybe not? Let's talk about it an approach it from a variety of angles and perspectives" will get very confusing with our own.
So anyway, we get there, and these fucks are sitting at our table and like, they don't even look cool--and they are sitting outside. Whenever we look outside at our table we seem them acting as if they need to pantomime all of the fun that they are having. Oh look at us, we fucking looove drinking and smoking outside, and even though this table is only meant for two people we don't care! We are soo laid back that even when our fat friend Susy decided to join us and order a zill beers she didn't need, we were like WHATEVVERRRR. "Fun" is my middle name, they almost went with "outdoor seating" but then they thought "fun" would be much better.
Posted by a.h.c. at 10:44 AM